Mortal Taste
by karabair
Summary: In an alternate postSleep Tight universe, Wesley finds his way back, and Lilah looks for a way in. LilahAngel season 3 ensemble.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Mortal Taste (Theodicy, the Lilah Morgan Remix)  
Fandom: _Angel: the Series_  
Summary: Season 3 AU after "Sleep Tight"; While Wesley finds his way back, Lilah looks for a way in. Features Lilah, Angel, Wolfram & Hart flunkies, and season 3 ensemble.  
Rating: R  
Warnings: Language, implied rough sex, character death.  
Spoilers: Through "Tomorrow." The original story was written and posted soon after "Sleep Tight" aired, and before any of the subsequent episodes. I jiggled a few minor things to fit with subsequent canon, as well as "repurposing" dialogue and scenarios that occurs up to the end of Season 3.  
Disclaimers: Characters and concepts belong to Mutant Enemy; the line Lilah remembers is a paraphrase from "The Company of Wolves" by Angela Carter.  
Thanks to: Inlovewithnight, Txcronopio and Glossing for readthrough; Sue for letting me babble about this incessantly; mistakes and inconsistencies are mine; spot the continuity error and get a cookie. Or at least a drabble.  
Title, Author and URL of original story: Jinitian -- Theodicy: MAN'S first disobedience, and the fruit/ Of that forbidden tree whose mortal taste/ Brought death into the World. . . " - John Milton, "Paradise Lost"

Theodicy n. - A vindication of God's goodness and justice in the face of the existence of evil. 

He sat alone at the bar, three shot glasses turned down in front of him. She couldn't sneak up on him; she had a reflection. The mirror across from Angel revealed an obvious void, but no one questioned. It wasn't that kind of place.

"You're not a stupid woman, Lilah. So why are you here?" Angel clutched his hand around another shot glass. Whiskey, she noted, not blood. It wasn't _that_ kind of place, either.

"I could well ask you the same thing. Why aren't you back at the hotel mustering your scrappy little band of warriors? Or, I don't know. . . " - she held up a finger to the bartender, who poured her usual Glenlivet - "abducting a senior member of our staff and torturing him until he agrees to perform a dark ritual to help you recorporealize Sahjahn?"

"Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?" Angel drained his glass.

"I don't know about 'supposed to' but there's an office pool, and that's where I put my money. After all, your best mojo-guy is gone. It's only a matter of time before you get desperate and turn to us."

"Wesley's back," Angel answered, through clenched teeth. "Wesley is a good friend, and he was only doing what he thought was best. You understand that?"

"Of course," Lilah crooned. The bartender set down her glass. She reached to pick it up, and Angel grabbed her wrist.

"Then you should also understand -" He tightened his grip, bending back the bones until she expected them to snap " -that when Wesley came back to the hotel, I threw him on the floor and tore his stitches open."

Lilah blinked. "In a.violence kind of way, you mean."

"What?" Angel loosened her wrist just enough that she could shake it free.

"Rated TV-14 for violence, not. . .never mind." Lilah massaged her sore joints and decided it wasn't the time and place to discuss Angel's complete lack of irony.

"Wesley was my friend," said Angel. "And the only reason I didn't choke him to death there in the lobby is that Cordelia had a vision and she thinks it means that Wesley can get my son back." Not claiming, Lilah noticed, that he believed the vision. Was he simply reluctant to raise his own hopes -- or starting to doubt his own connection with the Powers?

"So," Lilah said, "there'll be no kidnapping and extortion of Wolfram and Hart personnel for the time being."

"So." Angel's hand darted to her breastbone. His fingers slid toward her throat. "Give me one reason that I shouldn't kill you right now."

His hand circled her neck. She looked in his eyes. It was very important not to flinch. Words came to her mind, something she must have read a long time ago: _When fear does no good, then cease to be afraid._. "I don't deal in 'shoulds,'" Lilah whispered. "Let's examine our options in auxiliary verbs -" She swallowed hard and willed herself to speak slowly. "'Could,' of course. 'Might' any time. That's the fun of our little relationship. 'Will'? I suppose I've figured from the day I met you. That vampire's going to be the death of me someday." She pressed her lips together, gathering some moisture before she spoke again. "Better you than them. After everything that's gone down, you think I have a future with the firm? I'm sick of playing these petty power games, waiting for Linwood or Gavin to sabotage me." As she spoke Lilah leaned gradually back, so that his palm slid down and began to rub between her breasts. "I'd rather meet my fate at the hands of a real -"

She stopped until Angel supplied, "Champion?"

"I was going to go with 'monster'."

"You think that's clever." A hard smile crept onto his face. "You still really don't understand what I'm capable of."

Their eyes locked. "What can you do to me that my own bosses can't?"

His fingers pressed into the skin of her neck. "You really want to find out?"

Lilah's mouth curled, slowly, into a smile.

Lilah let Gavin give his little report. "Since we lost feed from the audio and video cameras. . .lack of an inside source. . .our best extrapolations. . . the empath demon has quite definitely left town. . .Wyndam-Pryce seems to have resumed contact. . .Angel's next move is only speculation but. . ." Linwood nodded along, as though these crumbs of information meant something. "Whether the Chase girl's connection to the Powers that Be will prove sufficient -"

Finally, Lilah couldn't stand it. In a 'bored now' voice, she said, "Cordelia had a vision. Wesley's working with the group again, but he and Angel aren't reconciled. Angel only has him around because they think he can find a way back into the Qortoth."

Gavin turned to her and sneered. "How could you possibly --?"

She pulled down the neck of her blouse, to show two clean puncture wounds. "Right from the vampire's mouth."

Gavin jumped from his chair and stood, with typical fortitude, behind his ninety-pound secretary. Pawing at the pockets of his suit, he barked at the girl: "Krystal, get me a cross!" It would be just like Gavin, Lilah mused, to know every provision of the building code by heart, but remain vague about exactly how vampires were created.

"Mr. Park," Krystal began apologetically, "we serve the forces of darkness here." She reached to her neck and offered the locket she wore. "If you'd like a pentagram --"

"Gavin," Linwood said wearily. "Sit down. Lilah's not going to rip your throat out. At least -" He glanced her way - "not unless I tell her to. And not because she's a vampire. We do have vampire detectors in this building."

"Yes." Lilah nodded along. "You know those things that always go haywire right before Angel comes in and does whatever he wants?" Linwood turned a frosty look on her. "I got the vampire, Linwood. And just to be clear, I mean that in every sense of the word." She spun the chair to one side and crossed her legs, letting the short skirt ride up her thigh. From the looks the men were giving her, the idea must have come across, and so it was worth the pain it cost her just to move. Still, she should have taken a few more morning-after aspirin, along with the iron pills.

Gavin eased back into his seat, trying to play off his earlier panic with sarcasm. "I thought it was firm policy to keep hands _off_ the vampire."

Lilah snapped back. "Once upon a time, firm policy was supposed to be, 'Get Angel on our side." She leveled a decidedly vampiric gaze on Gavin before he could interject any _double entendres_. "Lately it seems to be, 'Let him do whatever he wants to us, and not fight back.' Well, I took a little initiative. He's clearly not getting the love from his own people, or even from the powers. Cordelia is seeing visions of poor Wesley, went and got his throat cut." She looked at Gavin and snapped her fingers, as though she'd just had a thought. "If you're feeling left out, maybe we could send you to seduce _him_. All those months of surveillance, you took pretty copious notes on 'white male number two.'" When Gavin sputtered, Lilah held up her hand and said, "You're right, that's not fair." Turning to Linwood, she said, "If you want someone to screw Wesley, you'll need to send a top, and that puts Gavin out of the running."

"Huh," Gavin snorted. "Well, you can't have done such a great job as all that, or we'd be sitting here talking about how to deal with a pissed-off Angelus. Sorry you couldn't make him happy, Lilah, but then, I hear you have that problem a lot."

"Oh God, it never occurred to me. . ." Leaning across the table, she clapped her hands in his face. "You really are as stupid as you look. Angel just lost his _son_. Do you really think a little. . ." She leaned back in the chair and smirked. "Well, actually a lot. Of very very good sex." She crossed and uncrossed her legs, certain now that her face didn't show the pain. Honestly, t had hardly hurt more than what he did to her neck. Besides, when it came to pain, it was like Lawrence of Arabia said - _The trick is not caring._

For now, at least Linwood seemed satisfied with her report. "Excellent initiative. And you're correct. Perfect happiness is quite likely to elude Angel for some time."

"Thank God," Lilah answered. "Or - whichever demon we're paying tribute to this week. I was in that wine cellar with Darla and Drusilla. I know what a soulless vampire is really like. There's no negotiating, reasoning with, or controlling them."

"And we've had so much luck in controlling Angel so far," Gavin retorted. "You really think your magic vagina will do the trick?"

"This is true," said Linwood. "Angel happily abandoned Darla after one night together, and they had a history lasting hundreds of years. Tell me, Lilah. What makes you think he'll ever knock on your door again?"

"What can I say, sir." Lilah shook her head to whip the hair away from the neck wound. "I'm feeling lucky."

Linwood was right. Angel didn't knock on the door. When Lilah came home and stepped into her bedroom, he was already waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

_Part II_

Angel ordered her to strip, put her clothes in a pile, and turn a full circle in front of him before she came to the bed.

"You could have a stake under there," he explained.

"Maybe I'm just happy to see you." But she complied, taking the time as she moved to press fingers to her clit, working up what moisture she could. She knew better, after last night, than to expect help from Angel. As soon as she moved to the bed, he pushed her onto her back, straddled her thighs, and pinned her to the mattress with both hands.

He move his mouth down to her ear and whispered, "What's your game, Lilah?"

"Surrender." She tilted back her chin to give him an eyeful of her long neck. "It's a war, not a game, and tonight I surrender." Angel only grunted a reply, spread her thighs, and pushed into her while she was hardly wet. She didn't pretend to enjoy it, because she couldn't imagine that he cared. But she bit her lip against the pain, not giving him the satisfaction of a scream. _Surrender,_ she thought, as she lifted her neck to his razor-edged teeth. _Tactical surrender, not submission. An enemy combatant, not a helpless victim. Every surrender holds a victory. Losing the battle, winning the war._

"What's your game, Lilah?" Angel sat on the bedside, pulling on his shirt. She lay back on the pillow, closed a satin robe over her breasts, and pushed a gauze bandage to the fresh wound on her neck. It was the fifth night. She'd been living on red meat and leafy greens, ibuprofen and iron pills. .

"I'm on your side, Angel. I want you to know that."

He stood, fastening the belt around his waist. "You never could fool me, Lilah. Please don't think you'll start now."

"Fine. "I'm on my side. The point is, I'm not against you. At the moment, our sides happen to, well, coincide."

"You tried to help Sahjahn destroy my son," Angel said flatly.

"We were going to let Connor live. You heard Linwood give the order."

"Let him live so you could cut him open while his heart was still beating."

"And that was a mistake. But with Sahjahn no longer a player, since Holtz's bitch apparently trapped him in an urn --" Lilah raised her eyes to the ceiling and mused, "I haven't thanked her for that. I wonder, flowers or a fruit basket?" She looked back at Angel. "I thought we understood each other. I don't do evil just to be evil. I don't hold a grudge for its own sake. I'm not a vampire, I'm not Holtz. I'm not even Lindsey. Don't get me wrong, there's no evil I won't do, but there has to be a percentage in it. Right now, my firm's percentage lies in protecting you and saving your son."

Angel stepped toward the bed, his shadow looming over her. "What's your _game_, Lilah?"

"Maybe I ought to ask you the same thing. Why haven't you killed me yet?" She raised her hand to the bandage and stroked it. "Or I guess I should ask, why aren't I dead? Because you already pulled that trigger, when you locked me in that cellar with your girlfriends."

Angel reached down and rested his hand around her throat. "Maybe next time -" His finger slipped into the notch above her collarbone, putting pressure on her windpipe. "I'll just drink a little deeper."

The tendons in Lilah's neck strained against his grip. "Why not? You thought she was going to kill me then. You looked me straight in the eye, and you left me to die. I suppose you've already made piece with that choice, so why don't you just do it? Kill the bitch you've secretly been fucking, then play the Get out of Angst Free card." He pinched her windpipe tighter, and she gasped, "You won't."

Angel dropped his hand and averted his face. "You're right. Because I'm not like you."

"No. Because you're just like me. You won't kill me because there's no percentage in it. You get more out of me alive, because I give you something none of them can. They think you're only angry - only grieving - because of the baby." He turned, his expression unreadable. "Of course you want Connor back. But not just because he's your son. That boy was the only thing you have left of her. You can't say that to any of them, so you have to come here and take it all out on me. Because I'm an evil bitch and she was an evil bitch, and just maybe while you're fucking me you can pretend you're fucking--"

Angel grabbed her neck again. "If you know what's good for you, you won't say her name." And then his fingers traveled over her bandage, up to the ends of her long dark hair.

"We need to reconsider these prophecies." Lilah spoke to the assembled lawyers of the Special Projects division. "I believe we've been seeing things all wrong. Our role is not to destroy the vampire's child, but to preserve it." She turned to Linwood. "That's why it's so uncertain which side will the vampire be on. It's not Angel at the center of these prophecies at all. It's the child. And the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. The prophecies are testing us. If we prove to Angel that we're the best people to protect his child, then we won't only have the son on our side but the father, all in one fell swoop. Win win."

"So what you're actually saying," Gavin cut in, "Is that, as fascinating as the daily State of Lilah's Pussy Reports might be, you haven't actually learned anything from the pillow talk."

"I'm not sleeping with him for information, Gavin," Lilah shot back. "It's a matter of loyalty. The more we can isolate him from his own people, the more he needs us to fall back on. And I've learned for a fact that Wesley is working on a spell to open the Qortoth."

"The problem being," Linwood said, "that according to every reference our mystics and shamans and wizards can find, there is no way to open the Qortoth."

"Would those be the same mystics and shamans and wizards who said the child couldn't be born in the first place?" Lilah asked. "I wouldn't exactly be putting all my money on that horse."

"Whereas an amateur linguist who got canned by the Watcher's Council?" asked Gavin. "He's your go-to guy?"

"So Wesley tries and he fails." Lilah shrugged. "Just that much more reason for Angel to lose faith in him. And if by some microscopic chance it works, I'll make sure I'm on the inside to handle damage control. Once again, win-win."

Linwood nodded sagely. "I must admit, Lilah, that you make a very convincing case. Gavin?"

Lilah smirked, leaned back, and looked at the other attorney. It was like they were in a comic book; she could almost see the waves of rage coming off of him. Peevishly, Gavin said, "Just one thing, Lilah. I've been staring at you for the last hour and. . . what the _hell_ is with your hair?"

She shrugged and flipped her newly bleached, chin length cut. "You know what they say, Gavvey. Blondes have more fun. Not that you'd know about that."

Angel put hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. As was all too often true, his face betrayed no emotion

Lilah sat on the window seat, leaning back on hands. She wore a low-cut red dress; she knew the short blonde hair accented her green eyes, because she had practiced the pose, just as she practiced the soft high voice. "Hello, darling boy."

"You're nothing like her," Angel said. His voice gave no more help than his expression.

Lilah stood and walked toward him, putting extra action into her hips. "Why?" she asked, holding onto the artificial tone. "Because she liked to be in charge?" She stopped in front of him, and pressed a finger into his chest. "If you want me to -" Trailing the finger up, she touched his chin. "I can be in charge."

Angel turned on his heel and walked for the door. Over his shoulder, he called, "You're nothing like her."

Lilah lunged after him, breaking into her everyday voice. "Sorry. I tried to make myself freakishly short, but it didn't take."

"See?" Angel turned, and his annoying neutral stone face had given way to an even more annoying smirk. "You come on gentle, but you can't keep it up." He grabbed her wrist, digging his thumbnail into the soft underflesh. Lilah jerked against him, and tried to pull away, but she realized she'd break her hand off first, and so she went limp and still. "You don't understand her at all," said Angel. "Darla didn't play gentle. She really was." He reached out to stroke her hair. "Sweet. And gentle. And sensitive." His hand tightened around her throat. "Until she was right on top of you." As quickly as he had grabbed her, Angel let go. "You, you buck and you flail and you make a lot of noise, but when push comes to shove you give in. You're nothing like her." A faint smile touched his eyes. "A little like someone else I used to know, maybe."

"Wesley?" Lilah checked her wrist for damage.

"No." She looked up, and Angel's face was stone again. "Wesley," he repeated, and he couldn't keep the burning anger from his voice. The same raw hurt and resentment she'd heard there every time, but now there was another note.

"He's planning to do the spell soon," Lilah guessed. "Wesley really thinks he can open the Qortoth."

Lilah took Angel's silence as the best confirmation she would get, and walked toward her bookshelf. "I must admit, it fascinates me. I'm the one who fed you your own son's blood. Wesley just followed the signs and did what he thought was right. Yet here you are with me, and you can't say your old friend's name without murder in your voice." She picked up a leatherbound volume and tossed it carelessly to him. Vampire reflexes kicked in, and Angel grabbed the book before it hit the floor. He turned up the spine and read the title to himself.

"You a fan?" she asked.

"_Paradise Lost?_" He shrugged. "I've read it. I guess you pull for the bad guys."

"Oh please. Who doesn't?"

"Point taken."

"I forget." She stepped toward him, casually raising a finger to her mouth. "Why is that Milton said he wrote that?"

Angel played along in the tone of a bored schoolboy. "'To justify the ways of God to man.'"

"Theodicy," Lilah mused. "Explaining the existence of evil in a world created by God's love. Yet, if that's what the poet had in mind, I wonder - why does everyone only remember the devils and the sinners? Remind me how the story goes?"

"The serpent tempts Eve," Angel answered. "Then Eve tempts Adam. Adam knows better, but he can't resist the -" His eyes flicked down her - "seductions of the flesh. So, Lilah, is this your way of warning me against having anything to do with you?"

"Yes. Because I take lessons in sexual politics from a blind Puritan. Please." Lilah rolled her eyes and started to pace. "I went to plenty of Sunday School in my time. Chapel. Catholic schoolgirl."

"Naturally."

"I heard that story pretty often," Lilah mused. "The way I figure it really went down? God says, 'Don't eat the apple.' Lucifer comes along, makes a convincing case _for_ indulgence. Eve considers the argument, chooses with her eyes open. Then she goes home and mentions it to Adam. Of course he is shocked! Shocked!" Lilah shrugged. "So she says, 'Sorry honey, forget I mentioned it.' Then he takes a nap and she whips up a fruit cocktail, says, 'Have some.' 'Sure honey, whatever you say -' They both get kicked out of the garden, but it's Eve who goes down in history as the evil bitch, when she was just playing the percentages. What do you think?"

"Ummm. . . ."

She lowered her eyes at him. "What? I'm taking theology lessons from a vampire now? That's not the point. I'm telling you. Eve was a player. Adam got played. You look at it in a certain way, and he's a victim." 

"What are you trying to get me to say? You and Wesley share responsibility for what happened to Connor. Don't think that I forget that for a second. Even if Wesley let himself get played, that doesn't make him any less responsible for his mistakes."

"So Wesley _let_ himself get played," she repeated. "Interesting. And, adding insult to injury, by someone who wasn't you. And that's exactly what you can't forgive him for."

"You all got played, Lilah. Sahjahn played you, and Holtz played everyone."

"No," she answered. "Holtz may have won - in the trapped-in-a-hell-dimension sense of winning, anyway - but all of us were playing against each other. Except Wesley. He was the only one too blind even to see the game."

Angel let out a mirthless laugh.

"Tell me I'm wrong," she said. "Tell me what scares you more. That this spell Wesley's doing won't work. Or that it will, and you'll have to decide whether to trust a blind man with your son's future."

"So, what? I should trust a pack of evil lawyers instead?"

"You know better than that. Trusting us will never be a temptation. But our interests coincide, and we have the resources to help you. That's better than trust." Lilah smiled. "Besides. Someone you don't trust can never betray you." Then she lowered her head and risked the Darla voice again. "You never trusted her in a hundred years. Did you, darling boy?"

Angel looked away, but after a moment he spoke quietly. "Sunset tomorrow at the hotel," he finally answered. "Wesley is going to open the Qortoth. You come alone. And if you try anything - if you even look at me a way I don't like - " He reached out to stroke her hair, and said softly - "you've never known pain before. And you've never seen me angry."


	3. Chapter 3

A brutal Santa Ana wind blew down from the Hollywood hills. Hot air carried the scent of blooming jasmine as Lilah entered the Hyperion's outer courtyard. Wesley and Angel faced off in the center of the space, enough weapons on the ground between them to fortify a small army. The Englishman's voice carried. "What is it we're waiting for?"

"Oh my," Lilah said, "I do believe that's my cue." Six faces turned to her: Cordelia scowled; the girl called Fred turned a puzzled look on Charles Gunn, who shrugged; a man she had never seen, who must have been the Pylean prince Groosalugg, gave a broad smile and waved cheerfully. Angel's face, as usual, betrayed nothing. Wesley's jaw tightened visibly, and he was the one to speak.

"What's _she_ doing here?" His knees bent, and his hand came up with a heavy sword. .

"I had an invitation," said Lilah.

"I hardly think that's likely." Wesley jutted his chin toward Gunn. "Get her out of here."

"I invited her," said Angel.

"To kill her?" Cordelia sounded more than hopeful.

Wesley pulled off his glasses, and looked at Angel. When the vampire showed no change of expression, Wesley rubbed the lenses, put them back on, and looked around at the others. "Is anyone else waiting for the punchline?"

"She's just here to observe," said Angel.

Cordelia stepped toward Lilah, arms crossed. "Observe _what_?"

"The ritual," said Lilah. "On behalf of my firm. I've offered assistance in protecting Connor, once -" She nodded at Wesley - "he's safely back among friends."

"She's offered?" Cordelia looked at Angel now.

"And I accepted." Angel looked directly at Lilah for the first time since she arrived. "If she makes a false move, I'll kill her, and she knows it."

Wesley turned slowly to Angel. "Her too? Here I thought I was special."

Angel pointed to the cement pavement of the courtyard. A red chalk circle had been drawn, with three hash marks dividing it into thirds. "Just do the spell, Wes."

Wesley looked away from Lilah and took on the air of a rather fussy professor, directing his lecture to no one in particular. "We're going to open the Qortoth," he began. "The darkest of the dark worlds."

Lilah interrupted. "My people said it couldn't be done."

"Maybe your people just aren't as good as I am," Wesley retorted. "Or maybe, since they only work for a paycheck, they aren't as committed as they otherwise might be."

"Oh no," said Lilah. "They get killed if they screw up, too."

"That's not what I meant," Wesley grunted. He switched back into officious lecturer mode. "As Lilah has pointed out, it's not strictly possible to open a portal to the Qortoth. Fortunately, that isn't necessary. The dimension is actually in continual existence just below the surface of our own. A sort of darkness invisible, if you will. What this ritual will accomplish, to put it in layman's terms, is actually to create the Qortoth anew, complete with everything that was there the last time it opened - including, in theory, Holtz and Connor. The key to this is language and -" He nodded now as Fred, "as Fred helped me to discover, mathematics. Specifically, this spell is brought to us by the Gashundi letters Quire, Tekhmah, and Thonte. And the number three."

"Like an episode of _Sesame Street_," chimed in Fred.

Wesley looked slightly pained but said, "Somewhat. There is a certain amount of conjecture involved, but the general idea is that language and names are inseparable from the act of creation. That to name something is to control it ." He nodded at Angel, Gunn, and the Groosalugg. "The key to the spell is that three must enter. So - Groo. Charles. Angel -- Once you three arm yourselves, I will recite the incantation, you'll step into the circle and, based on Fred's calculations governing the precise circumference -" He pointed at the chalk on the pavement - "you should be able to arrive at approximately the time and place where Holtz got there with Connor. In fact, to him, the sequence of events should seem almost immediate. He may in fact be disoriented, and that's something you can take advantage of. Then --"

"Then we get the baby," said Angel. "We kill Holtz if we need to, and we come back."

"A little fighting, a little spelling, a little math," laughed Gunn. Fred nudged him and he said, "Okay, a lot of really hard math. Nothing to it." He leveled his eyes at Lilah. "Maybe if your crew would work together and not spend so much time stabbing each other in the back -"

"Oh," Lilah smirked. "I think there's a little more to it than that. You want to tell them, Wes, or should I?"

Angel, who had been shifting his feet impatiently during Wesley's monologue, looked up. "What?"

"Creating the Qortoth?" Lilah repeated. "Calling into existence the darkest of the dark worlds? Isn't this the sort of thing the Watcher's Council usually frowns upon as, I don't know, the most forbidden of dark magicks?"

The others stirred. Fred asked, "Is that true?"

Wesley looked at Fred as he answered, but he spoke to all of them. "I had much the same conversation last night with Rupert Giles. Giles said much the same thing as Lilah. I responded then, and I will tell you now, that when we refuse to explore or consider certain avenues of mystical knowledge, because we fear where they might lead, then we are essentially conceding the field - " And now he looked pointedly at Lilah - "to those who would use them for evil ends. Yes. There is danger. Yes. There may well be a cost. And if anyone wants to leave, he or she should feel free." His eyes stopped on Fred.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said firmly.

"Good." He gave a weak smile. "As I say, there are risks, but if we take this action with pure intent, with a view only to save Connor, with the best motives and -" He turned to the Angel. "I'm sorry, but why is Lilah here? Have you forgotten that this woman fed you your own son's blood?"

"No," said Angel. "I also haven't forgotten that you took my son and allowed my sworn enemy -"

"Allowed?" Cordelia stepped between them, putting a hand on each man's chest. "Angel, it's not like that was Wesley's plan."

"No." His eyes stayed on Wesley. "The plan was to take my son and disappear and - tell me, did you actually have a plan after that? Or were hoping Connor's fairy Godmother would show up and thank you for doing the right thing?"

"Angel -" Wesley began, as though he were going to say more, but dropped his eyes.

Fred spoke up. "Wesley was trying to help." But Lilah saw Gunn's hand go to her shoulder, and caught a subtle message for her to stay out of it. So all wasn't well even within the united front at Angel, Inc. Charles Gunn might not be ready to pick a side; something to file away for future reference.

The Groosalugg, apparently oblivious to subtle body language, said cheerfully, "Fred is correct! Wesley's actions were noble, and the Powers Which Are have confirmed this by sending my princess a vision."

"That's right," said Cordelia, and it was a good thing her champion he was oblivious, because that smile was definitely strained. She moved now toward Wesley and put an arm on his shoulder. "It's all right, Wes. Angel's just under a lot of pressure." She glared at Angel, squeezed Wesley's arm, and kissed his cheek. "You're gonna do great."

Lilah snorted. "Get a room, already."

"Us?" said Cordelia. Wesley turned his head, embarrassed, while Cordelia pulled herself up straight. "That's a revolting suggestion." Before Wesley could look too indignant, Cordelia elbowed him. "You know what I mean. She has to make everything an innuendo. For your information, Lilah, the Groosalugg and I are in a very happy relationship."

"Ahh." Lilah took another quick look at Fred and Gunn, and it wasn't hard to do the math there. "Sorry, Wes. I didn't realize. I'd be in a bad mood too if I was the only one in the room not getting laid." This time, only five pairs of eyes turned to her. Angel looked at the ground. "What, sweetheart?" said Lilah, moving to stand beside him. "Are we not telling your friends? I told all my friends. I think it's only fair."

Groo looked at Cordelia and nodded knowingly. "The lawyer is Angel's concubine."

"She's not -" Angel began -

"My God," Cordelia stepped closer to Lilah. "Does that explain your hair? Angel, that had better not explain her hair." To Groo, she said, "Angel has this thing about blondes. I'll tell you later."

Underneath the conversation came a low wheezing sound, almost like sobbing. Lilah must have heard it first, but then Angel turned and soon they were all looking at Wesley. He stood in the center of the courtyard, doubled over, hand to his mouth, and when he finally lifted his head, he was wiping away tears of laughter. "This -" he said. "You!" to Angel. "Her! This - " He collapsed into another spasm, then collected himself sufficiently to look Angel in the eye and say, "This is absurd. I've understood your anger, your bitterness, your deep resentment toward myself but until now - Angel, do you actually hate me this much?"

"Ease off, ego boy," Lilah said. "Why would this be about --?" Then Angel stepped toward Wesley, and their eyes met, and Lilah stopped. "Oh," she turned to the person closest to her, who happened to be Gunn.

"Yeah," Gunn said softly, almost sympathetic toward her. "It's kind of been like that around here." Lilah felt an odd stab of betrayal, and right away, she knew it was stupid. Whatever she and Angel had done, she knew from the start it was not about her.

"Please tell me, Angel," said Wesley. "How you can -" He struggled for words. " - consort with that woman, who bears a great deal of the responsibility for Connor's fate. And yet for me, you won't - you can't -"

"Lilah's shown what she's willing to do for me, Wesley. Now it's your turn."

Angel's words seemed to release him. "Very well." All of Wesley's bravado collapsed and it even seemed as though his muscles lost the will to support him. Legs folded under him, he sat in the center of the circle, and looked up and around at the others. "What are we waiting for?"

Gunn, Angel, and the Groosalugg got into position around the circle. 

Cordelia and Fred sat back to back on a stone bench. Fred held Wesley's jacket, wringing the suede fabric in her hands. Lilah paced near them, one eye on the ceremony.

Fred squeezed Cordelia's arm, and spoke in a forced steady voice. "So tonight we either get Connor back, or -" she swallowed "we lose all four of the guys."

Wesley looked up at Fred. "There's almost no chance this will go wrong," he said earnestly.

Lilah let out a harsh laugh. "Right. Dark magicks always work out great. I might as well have stayed at the office." Then she registered Fred's comment and took a hard look at Wesley. "There's a risk to the spell caster, too."

"Only death," said Cordelia.

Wesley started to open the book. "It's not that bad," he said shortly.

Fred looked at Lilah and rolled her eyes. "Listen to him being brave. Mild death."

"We've all reviewed our roles, in detail. And the risk is only," Wesley continued, "if, once the spell is begun, it's interrupted in some way. Or -" He looked at the three men around the circle, "if the people who go in don't come back"

"And no chance of that," said Fred, wringing her hands. "They're just going to hell."

"It will be fine." Wesley smiled weakly and asked, "Ready? "

The three men raised their swords and joined them above Wesley's head. Fred jumped impulsively up, ran to Gunn, and gave him a long deep kiss. "Good luck!" she said, moving back.

Cordelia followed and, with slightly more restraint, touched Groo's lips. "You can do it, sweetie."

Lilah met Angel's eyes. The vampire looked away.

Wesley then tilted back his head and began to chant the letters, sending his rhythmic voice to the night sky like a mantra..

"Quirot. Tekhmah. Thonte. . ."

As he spoke, the timbre of his voice gradually grew deeper, echoing through the courtyard.

"Thorot. Tekhte. Quirah. . ."

Soon it wasn't Wesley's voice at all, but something hollow, mechanical, reverberant.

"Quirah. Tekhat. Thorah. Quire. Qortoth. Qortoth. Qortoth."

The air inside the circle began to shimmer, the deep orange of an outdoor fire. As they watched, the glowing air transformed into a huge fiery hand. The flame wrapped around Wesley. His body began to tremble, and, then, interspersed with the mantra, more words flowed from him in an inhuman voice. "Blood. Quirah. Flesh. Bone." As he spoke, Groosalugg's body began to shimmer a deep shade of blue. "Tekhat. One. One. One." On the last repetition of the number, Groo vanished in a flash. Cordelia covered her mouth and stifled a scream.

"That means it's working," said Fred. "It's working, it's working."

"Thorah. Tekhat. Quirah. Two. Two. Two." The same process repeated now, and Gunn disappeared. Fred whimpered and her knees seemed to give, as she sunk against Cordelia.

"Two down," said Lilah. She watched Angel's body begin to glow. "Quirah. Tekhmat. Thonte. Three. Three. Thr -" But on the last repetition of the number, a pulse of light flashed through Angel, knocking him and Wesley both to the ground. Cordelia screamed again and ran to Wes. Fred knelt before Angel. Lilah moved more slowly and stopped just outside the circle.

"Something's wrong!" Cordelia cried. When Wesley started to sit up, she got to her feet and lunged at Lilah. "You!" She put her hand on Lilah's throat. "You did this! You --!"

"Get off me!" Lilah smacked her, then the deep voice rose out of Wesley again. He rocked back and forth, saying, "The blood must live. The blood must live. The blood must live."

Angel stumbled to his feet, clutching his sword. ""Hell dimension sets its own rules," he grunted. "This one says, no vampires allowed."

Cordelia grabbed Angel's arm. "I have to go in there," she said. 

"No." Angel tightened his grip on the sword.

"Someone has to! Or we'll never get them back. And look at Wesley!" His chin pointed almost to the sky as his body shook with the convulsions of the spell. "I swear to God, if this kills him -"

"We'll never get Connor back," said Angel.

"Or Groo. Or Gunn. Or _Wesley_. Jesus, Angel! How about you get your head out of your ass, and realize we're all in this together, and you need to accept some help?" Cordelia tugged on the sword. "You've trained me to fight. Maybe this is what I was training for. You have to send me!"

"No," said Angel. "I mean yes. You're right, I need to accept help. But not from you. "Fred. Wesley's got a Glock holstered under his jacket."

She scrambled for the gun and called, as she did. "He's right, Cordelia. I used to shoot one of these a little bit back home and, well, I have more experience with other dimensions, and it can be really disorienting when -"

Angel took the gun from her, and handed it over to Lilah.

"What the fuck?" said Cordelia and Fred together.

"Unless Billy Blim was a fluke," said Angel, "you know how to use this thing. And more importantly, you've been in a standoff with Holtz. You know how he thinks."

Lilah just managed to turn her own _What the fuck?_ into, "Yes." _When fear does you no good --_

Angel looked into her eyes. "You're really committed to bring this child back alive." 

She put a hand on his shoulder. "Yes."

"And you'll do what it takes."

"Yes." Then, without giving it thought, Lilah leaned in and met his mouth for what would be their first kiss. She let her lips linger, then looked up at Fred and Cordelia, who stared but didn't move. Finally, Lilah caught the eye of the convulsing Wesley and stepped inside the magic circle.


	4. Chapter 4

The landscape smelled of dead grass and sulfur. Aside from a few patches of weeds, it looked the surface of Mars. Lilah landed on her ass in a pile of foul-smelling straw, glad she'd chosen slacks and loafers instead of the usual short skirt and heels. Somehow, she must have known this would happen. Wiping grass off her khakis -- could she get a reimbursement to her wardrobe allowance? she wondered - Lilah looked up at Gunn and Groo. "I'll explain later," she said. "When we have time."

"There ain't gonna be enough time in the world for that." Gunn offered a hand and pulled her up. "But fuck it. Let's get to work."

Angel was right. Lilah had been in a standoff with Holtz before. Of course, she had lost that one too. As far as Holtz believed, that had only been hours before. Now he stood with his back to a sheer cliff, facing her across a narrow ravine. The drop was far, but the gap was narrow. Lilah thought, if she had to, she could make the jump

"I know you're a reasonable man," she said. "I don't have any love for the vampire, either. And I'm a reasonable woman."

"Oh yes," said Holtz. "You. The attorney. And yet, reasonable as you are, you followed me into the darkest of the dark worlds. For this?" Holtz lifted the bundle in his arms - making sure, Lilah saw, to hold it in front of his heart. "You must want this child very badly. And yet, the vampire is your enemy."

"And that is why we want the child. Give him to us, and he will be raised to hate his father and everything he stands for."

Lilah had the gun concealed under her jacket. It was there if she needed it. She might have had a clean head shot, but at this distance, she couldn't be sure. She might wound the child. Dying, Holtz might slip and fall into the ravine, taking Connor with him.

"Sahjahn," he said, "told me certain things about your organization. I would hardly cast you as proponents of good."

The gun was there, if she needed it, but all she really had to do was keep him talking. And fuck if he didn't like to talk. The Groosalugg had tracked Holtz here. He and Gunn had charted it out. They would come up on Holtz from behind. All Lilah had to do was keep him interested. She hoped the others had enough sense to realize that she would say whatever it took to make that happen.

"And you, Mr. Holtz?" Lilah asked. "Do you believe that you do good?"

"I do revenge, Miss Morgan," he answered. "That is all that I live for, because it is all that remains to me. It has brought me alive across the centuries -- as love, as hope, as belief could never do. So who am I to deny its power?"

"I understand vengeance." Lilah shifted. "I have things to avenge."

"Do you indeed? A great wrong? Then you must have known a great love."

"Love? What does love --?" In a moment, she understood; in a moment, it was too late.

Holtz gave a laugh, as rough and low as his voice. "I am sure you have a fine story. But it can be no more than a story." The child began to fuss, and Holtz lowered it slightly, still shielding his chest. "There, there." He looked across the crevice again. "You do not lie well. If you truly understood vengeance, then you would not need to ask what connects it to love."

Lilah's hand itched for the Glock. She would shoot that fucker in the head if she had to, but she did wish the guys would get on with it. She wanted to look for Gunn, and for Groosalugg, but any movement of her hand or eye might tip him off. So all she could do was talk, and listen.

"You must have loved your family greatly," said Lilah, "to hate Angelus as much as you do."

"I supposed I did," said Holtz, as though he had never given it much thought. "And you, I imagine, have never hated anyone." He paced, holding the child. "You are a professional. You will kill as a soldier kills; perhaps you even kill for pleasure, simply because you can. Yet you do not love, and so there is no thing in the world that matters enough that you must kill. And this, I think -" He lifted Connor again. "There there - is why you've made a devil's bargain with Angelus. He does not hate you, either. How can he, when there has never been possibility of affection? You only do a job. That he understands. The one Angelus hates, I imagine, is the boy." Holtz touched Connor's forehead, and murmured, "Not you, pretty one." He looked back at Lilah. "The boy. The Watcher." Holtz shook his head. "Justine did him a mercy. He believed he was doing right. The Watchers were always that way. They made use of me, from time to time. They paid well, behaved as gentlemen. But they never had use for me. I wasn't professional. I made them . . .uncomfortable." He looked across the gully at Lilah and said, "What do you love?"

"I don't understand."

"No," said Holtz. He lifted the child and held it over his head. "And you never will."

When Lilah played those seconds over, time and again, in her mind, she never quite got the sequence to work. Groo and Gunn came at Holtz from either side. He lifted the child. Lilah took a running leap across the gorge. Groo struck at Holtz. The baby fell. Lilah caught its waist, before it hit the ground, then brought it up to rest on her shoulder. She had never held a child that way - it was easy enough to avoid. She never wanted to, and she wasn't the kind of woman on whom friends or strangers forced their babies. So it might have taken a moment longer than it should have to feel what was wrong. Breath didn't move its body. Its head lay awkwardly to one side. It was hours after they returned - after they stepped into the lobby, and Lilah was the first, the only, to meet Angel's eyes - it was hours later before she fully understood what had happened. Even then, run the seconds back as she tried, she couldn't capture the instant when Holtz had snapped the child's neck.

But at that first moment, in the darkest of all hells, the moment when Lilah knew, she lay the small body on the ground, leaving the others discover the obvious for themselves. She stood over Holtz, who lay bloody and gasping with a wound from Groosalugg's sword. With his last breath, he might have mocked her, cursed her, offered some final gems of wisdom. She didn't give him a chance. Lilah unholstered the Glock and emptied her round: four shots in the chest, two in the face.

"Jesus," said Gunn, looking away.

"Not in this place." She bent to lift the weightless body, and looked up at Gunn. "Let's go. There's nothing here."

Nine days past before Lilah, once again, found Angel in her bedroom.

"I haven't made a new will," she said, "but everything goes to my senile bitch of a mother." Lilah touched a finger to one spot on her neck. "Maybe you could do it there? That puncture wound was always my favorite." She was almost certain that she was joking. If Holtz was right, then the vampire didn't hate her enough to kill her.

"I never want to see you again," said Angel.

"I sort of figured that part. You might have accomplished it better by not seeing me again, but why split hairs?"

"I mean I never want to see you," Angel said. "Not for any reason. If your firm has to deal with me, they can send that idiot Gavin. You and I, we can't do this anymore."

"So tell me. How does this conversation compare to the similar one you must recently have had with Wesley? Or was that more of a fang-to-throat kind of conversation?" 

"Among the many people I'm never planning to see again," said Angel, "I imagine you and Wesley are equally capable of taking care of yourselves."

Abruptly, he turned, and Lilah realized he was actually about to leave. "Angel -" she called. "I didn't want it to end like that. You know -"

"I know. Gunn told me exactly what happened. None of us could have done better than you did."

"I should have known," she said. "I went in there thinking Holtz was a good guy. I thought I knew how you people think, but after five seconds of talking to him -- I should have just made a grab, or shot at his head or -"

"We all should have known," said Angel. "Holtz wasn't going to let that child go alive. It wasn't his first plan to kill -" and his voice only caught a moment over "- it. But he wasn't letting - Connor get back to me. Not like that."

"I guess not," said Lilah, and she had a sense that this was a conversation he had been part of many times in the past week.

"It means something that you tried," said Angel.

She looked up at him. "Does it?"

"Yes," he said. "Not as much as you helping put him there in the first place but -" He looked down, and when he spoke again, she had a sense that this was something he hadn't said to the others, that it was the reason he sought her out for this conversation that never needed to happen. "We all had to do with putting him there in the first place. I killed Holtz's family."

"Because Darla turned you into a monster," Lilah answered. "Because someone did it to her. And so on, and so on, and shooby dooby doo and we're back to Adam and Eve and how about some fruit cocktail for dinner?"

"So nobody's at fault for anything, ever, because there's original sin and the world just sucks?"

"Works for me." Lilah shrugged. "And that's what you get for talking theology lessons from a lawyer. I'm not exactly the go-to person for a _tete-a-tete_ about personal responsibility." 

"Fine." He moved to the door. "I don't know why I came."

He started to leave again, and again she called, "Angel --"

When he stopped, Lilah said, "What you said before, about someone else from my firm? I wouldn't hold your, well, lack of breath. Since all this happened -" At a hard look from him, she said, "Since your son died. The prophecy radar has been all over the place. Nobody knew what to make of it for a while, but I think the consensus is that you're off the special projects agenda. Wolfram & Hart's Angel policy is rescinded and if you fuck with us - which, incurable do-gooder that you are, you probably will - you shouldn't expect any special consideration. Just fair warning."

"Why?" His eyes told her that he knew, and yet she had to say it.

"The special prophecy about your role in the apocalypse. Re-evaluating the information before us in the light of new considerations, it has become apparent that -"

"Connor," Angel interrupted. "The prophecies were about him. My role was to bring him into the world, and raise him up to make the right choice. Which is why it was never certain which side I'd be working for, because -"

_Because there's nothing certain about raising a child._ Angel must have thought it too, but neither of them said the words.

"So, you, Angel, are off our radar. If you're smart enough to stay that way, which you won't be. And this might also explain why Cordelia hasn't been taking many calls from the Powers that Be."

It was a shot in the dark, but lucky enough that Angel, for once, couldn't hide his reaction. "How did you know?"

"Oh, we're all tied in with the Powers. It's one big scam. Good. Evil. The same honchos calling the shots. I think it was Zoroaster who first got it right. Him or the Manicheans."

Angel looked at her in surprise for a moment before shaking his head. "Bullshit."

"All right, lucky guess. Look, I don't pretend to know what all this is about. But just maybe, for you, it is a sign. Fuck prophecies. Fuck destiny. Get out of the business while you have a chance. Make like Candide and go tend your garden."

"Not likely."

"Fine, I tried. One more thing before you go. You and Cordelia may be off the mystical It List for the time being. But we all know a guy who figured out how to open the Qortoth. You can believe the firm wants a piece of that and, well -"

"Let me guess who ended up with that special project."

"Yes," said Lilah. "But for old times' sake, I thought I'd give you dibs on him. If you want to try and save Wesley, or cut his throat or set him on fire before I take my shot -"

"Knock yourself out," said Angel. "Adam and Eve. East of Eden. I'm sure you'll be very happy together." He opened the door. 

"Angel -" She knew she didn't have it in her to make him stop again, so she spoke quickly. "I really didn't want it to happen this way."

"Why would you?" said Angel, just before the door clicked, "There wasn't a percentage in it."

He sat alone at the bar, three shot glasses turned upside down in front of him.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked.

"On many levels," Wesley answered, not looking up, "and with great intensity."

"Excellent," said Lilah. "Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way -- Let's have a little talk about prophecies.

END


End file.
